Dealing with shallow people

In life, we are privileged to come across a wide variety of people that possess a wide variety of personalities. Some of these people will be acquaintances. Some will be colleagues. Some will be the people we most often interact with in our daily routines: the mail carrier, the waitress at our favorite restaurant, the cashier at Wal-mart. Some of these people will become more than just the casual hello or the friendly chit-chat. Some of these people will become friends.

It has been said that friends become "the family you get to choose." This is the most appropos statement in regards to how I view my friends. They become family. I think about them often. I place their thoughts and desires above my own. I seek for ways to help amd encourage them. I seek for ways to do nice things for them. I try to ensure that they know they are cared deeply about via my actions and gestures and generosity. I like to give gifts. I like to do little things that some may find insignificant. I like to prepare someones favorite meal, serve them, and then clean everything up so that they can enjoy it without having to worry about anything. I like to play "host", if you will. I like to volunteer to be the one to take care of the dishes, not for a pat on the back; but for the sheer joy of knowing that my friend won't have to do them. I like to fill the lives of those around me with these little nuggets of friendship, as I like to call them. The grand gesture of the extravagant gift is always nice, but I find the everyday things we do to try to brighten someone's day to be just as meaningful.

Sometimes people may not realize they are the beneficiaries of such gestures. Or, they know and take them for granted. Sloughing them off as if they were somehow deserved. As if their acceptance of your friendship warrants the sacrifice and giving, and that that should be reward enough. They deign to stoop and allow you the privilege of their company; and, as their benefactor, you had better kiss their feet and be grateful they allowed you the opportunity to do so. This type of person may come across as sincere at the outset, but make no mistake- their narcissism will eventually surface. This type of "friend" will have no problem sucking up all the good things you do for them. They will accept every gift, enjoy every service you provide them, take advantage of all your hospitality. But when you either have nothing to offer or cease to offer anything that they deem beneficial, the "friendship" will most certainly and swiftly be over.

The shallow way these "friends" approach life is both disappointing and disconcerting. Disappointing because all your efforts at keeping a friend have now been rendered nothing more than a farce. You were a player in a twisted game they call life. They see nothing wrong with the way they treat others, and will often manufacture some excuse as to why their actions are justified. An off hand comment, or a perceived slight is reason enough for these shallow morons to throw away a lengthy "friendship." Oh, but while you were lavishing gifts and attention upon them they were your best mate, your buddy, your "boy." They would be sure to let everyone know they were your "friend." However, it was all a game.

Their actions are disconcerting on several levels. The immediacy of the way in which they originate and terminate "friendships" speaks to their shallow nature. I become friendly with someone before I become their friend and accept them into my "chosen" family. Someone that professes to be your best friend overnight can't possibly mean or even know what they are saying. God is the only being who can accept and love unconditionally. Mothers are a distant second. Everyone else must go through a bonding process that takes time. Allowing your heart to be knit to another is a very intimate process. Not as in romance, but in a way even more intimate than any sexual relationship could be. Accepting all the faults and foibles of another and choosing to identify yourself with that person and going further to love that person is perhaps the greatest love someone can have. The love that husbands and wives share and the love parents have for their children are truly remarkable things. These loves are forces of nature and imbedded in these relationships lie the powers that make the human experience so sweet. But, parents are obligated by responsibility to love and nurture their offspring. Lovers choose a mate and enjoy the benefit of the corresponding physical and sexual aspect of the relationship. Platonic friends are not bound by obligation to one another, nor are they the beneficiaries of any type of physical, sexual comforts. To have a friend is to truly "lay down your life" for another.

We accomplish just that by doing as I described earlier: placing our friends well-being at the forefront of our thoughts, motives, and actions. We seek ways to please and provide for them. We are certainly not bound by any existential duty to do so, as parents are. We do, because we care. If we have a tiff, we cannot fall into each others arms and express our love and re-commit to one another through any sexual means. This would be enjoyable in some instances, yes, but also highly inappropriate. We simply have to choose to overcome whatever is plaguing the relationship and accept that person, faults and all, because we share the bond of friendship. No fringe benefits. No big hurrah of "make-up sex." Just good, old-fashioned "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you." Move on and make stronger the bond. Walk through enough of these flames of conflict and the sorries will become superfluous. The look in the eye of your friend will become like a shared shorthand of emotion. The handshake or quick embrace will be all the talk that is needed. The fact that they messed up will be so overwhelmed by the fact that they accept you for who YOU are, that eventually nothing could break a bond forged in so strong a fire.

This is the type of friendship I look for. This is the type of friendship I have obtained. This is the type of friendship I offer, and by the way, the ONLY kind I offer. Friends are friends forever. "Friends" may come and go. I remain.